Tag Archives: musings

Jan21

Wheel of Fortune

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Wheel of Fortune

wheel of fortune

Yesterday I had surgery on my ankle. They removed all the screws and plates and various hardware that was implanted last year after I broke it.

The breaking of that ankle seemed the marker for the beginning of a personal journey. Everything I believed was tested. Nearly everything I feared, I faced.

The Wheel of Fortune in the Tarot, very much sums up the cycle that I’ve been living. Of course everything in life is cyclical, not linear, as so many believe. The trick to a circular life is that when you come around to that starting point again, you are hopefully wiser, braver and stronger so you can choose differently and begin a new and better cycle.

Last year not only did I break my ankle, but because of that I lost several jobs and income we were counting on to be able to move. Not being able to walk or move around without crutches and pain made it necessary to call on many friends to help us pack.  And then to move. Most of our things went into storage, much of it we had to leave behind.

Some friends agreed to let us stay with them for a period of time. When that time was up, we still were unable to find anything. We stayed on the road and in hotels until we landed with some more friends.

Our time here is nearly up and although we don’t have anywhere as of yet to go, we are very, very close.

I had been exploring and releasing this whole poverty consciousness within me for some time but this journey brought so much into VERY sharp focus.

First thing is the immense gratitude I feel toward all my friends. From kind words, to new shoes, to dinners out to packing, moving, even letting us crash in on them dog and all! It’s huge. The power of community is huge. I am forever grateful for my community.

I learned how little I cared about things as I had to leave them behind. People matter, not things. I always believed that but there is a completely different feeling that was added to that belief once it was lived.

I realize I don’t have time to screw around anymore and not follow whole heartedly my dreams. As hard as we worked, taking any job we could, accepting stop gap measures, we ended up homeless anyway. It’s easy to react in fear and only look at short term solutions even when that means we get screwed over long term. Not anymore.

I see how I can push even harder when I thought I was at my limit. We all have a little more to give. Sometimes we just need to find the right motivation. At the same time, I learned that I need to push less and be gentle with myself, allow others to step up so they can learn their strength too.

Communication and respect have always been important to me, but living in someone else’s space made me hyper aware of what was around me, how I was living, how I was contributing or detracting from the situation. It also allowed me to understand the victim/rescuer paradigm in a close up and personal way. I do not like being considered a victim.

I see now how I have allowed that to happen by allowing particular treatment. No more. Speaking up, setting boundaries, adjusting attitudes…there have been many sleepless nights, so much examination of myself.

I see how spirit can move us to one place and another not only for what we can learn, but for what others can as well. None of us live in a vacuum. So much good can come of it if it is allowed.

We started off losing quite a lot. I gained some screws (in my ankle) and I felt screwed (by life).

Now those screws have been removed. The cycle is completing. My ankle is healing, there is money in the bank, we are ready to go as soon as the opportunity presents.  The Wheel of Fortune seems to be turning around, but this time I am wiser, braver and stronger. This time my decisions will be based on my new experiences and will move us forward on a better journey, and finally, a better turn of the wheel.

 

 

Photo is of the Isidore Tarot by Bajema find it HERE

 

 

Feb3

A Thank-You

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A Thank-You

I do murals, straight up painting, repair work and other creative type things to keep a money flow coming in but my goal is to one day simply do my art. I want to paint the stories that I feel passionate about. I want to be able to make a difference in this world through the art that I create.

My Goddess project that I have been working on is one of those passions. I don’t paint them because I expect to get rich, I paint them because I have to. There are times when I don’t get to work on them because I am busy with the survival things. It is easy for me to put myself, and my dreams, behind other things, the “practical” things. Then someone buys me some paint that I need, another sends me a check for new brushes and most recently, someone buys me some more boards so that I can start a new Goddess. (Not only does she buy me a board, she enlists the help of a friend who doesn’t even know me to deliver them to my home!)

I cannot even explain how this feels to me. To know that what I am doing is maybe something more than just MY dream. To know that perhaps it matters to others as well. It’s a validation that is huge for an artist like me. It keeps me motivated, it keeps me going. (It makes me feel less guilty for spending money on paint when I have a hundred other things I probably “should” be spending it on!)

To all my friends and to those I’ve never even met who have supported me in every way, I thank you. It’s huge.

Dec19

Changes

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Changes

There have been periods of time in my life when I will look in the mirror and not recognize the eyes staring back at me. It’s a strange experience. These are times when the inside of me has grown and there begins to be something different reflected on the outside and I wonder who I am? Today as I paint, I feel different. The brush feels different, the viscosity of the paint feels different. I feel like I have grown in spirit and technique. Taking a break from Santa Muerte was good. I had been feeling bad that I hadn’t achieved my personal goal of finishing her earlier. But I understand now that I hadn’t been ready. She wasn’t ready. Collectively I feel the endings coming fast and furiously. Santa Muerte is speaking loudly now. This painting will be different, it might not look it but I am different now and it’s time I begin to reflect that.

Dec9

Time to End the Endings

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Time to End the Endings

My Sante Muerte is still not finished. While she has been up in my room, there have been many deaths. Literal and otherwise. For months now. In fact this entire past year has been one of incredible endings. Seemingly more so than usual. I’ve been to more funerals this past year than I have in my entire lifetime. I’m looking at her today and know that it’s time now to finish her. This week. I think there may be a few more endings. But it’s time to wrap that up! End the endings, get on with beginnings. I’m feeling quite strongly that Bridget is next. I will post pictures soon.

Aug29

Living Pele

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Living Pele

It seemed I had some preconceived ideas about the Goddess Pele, you know, the hot headed wild child of the Hawaiian Islands? She can be portrayed as quick tempered, vain and sexual. (Not that that’s a bad thing…)

The last time I worked with her, only briefly, a few things that I needed to happen quickly did. So I was thinking of her, or her energy, as being one that can get things moving or happen quickly. And yes that’s true but…there is a much greater depth to it.

My painting of Her was progressing smoothly. I felt happy with it, excited about it. Then I stopped. Things came up. After a couple of days I realized that I had planned to be finished with her by then and instead I hadn’t painted at all. And I realized I hadn’t really stepped into her energy at all either. Instead of go, go, go, in the way I thought she was, she made me stop to understand more completely the idea behind the movement.

Pele doesn’t move randomly or impulsively. She moves instinctually. Her movements are about trust and the flow of the universe. And when you find yourself in that flow you cannot afford to stop and think, you cannot over analyze or you will crash and burn, miss opportunities. Pele is teaching me to trust my instincts and my intuition. She is teaching me to grasp life, but don’t hang on. It is more experiencial and a letting go. She teaches us not to question but to enjoy the ride.

Let go of your fear and ride the mountain. Feel the movement and make a hundred tiny adjustments for balance so that you don’t get creamed on the way down. You won’t have time to think about it you can only react to it. Adjust, move, balance, breath, flow… rinse and repeat. Read the rest of this entry →

Jul18

Too Long…

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Too Long…

Its been waaay too long since I’ve worked on Sedna. I’ve been distracted by life and survival…If only I didn’t have to pay bills and eat…then I could just paint and paint and paint! The ironic thing is I know that by painting, I will eventually be able to pay bills and eat..eventually. In the meantime…

I cannot allow myself to get distracted. I need to survive yes, but I cannot doubt and I have to follow my passion, my mission.

I’m going to do a reading for myself and I’ll share it in just a bit. I pulled Copper Woman. I’m going to see what she has to say.

Then I shall paint. :)

May15

Why I do what I do

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Why I do what I do

This project that I’m working on has been a dream of mine for many years. It means a great deal to me to be able to convey these goddesses in a way that makes them real and accessible. In the times that we are living, knowing that magic is possible can be a comfort. Knowing that miracles can happen and the Divine not only lives among us, but within us can sometimes give us that extra boost we need to carry on when things seem hopeless.

I truly hope that these paintings can trigger something in us, can allow us to remember that there is more than what we know, a wisdom that we can reach. I hope that they can bring balance or maybe fill an empty place in us by realizing that we too carry magic and divinity. I hope that we can remember that we are connected by a history and stories that are so ancient they have long been forgotten, but in their remembering we can come together and effect changes and prosper.

May1

Working with the goddess

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Working with the goddess

Whenever I work on a new goddess, I live their energy and explore that archetype. Whether I want to or not. Erzulie was rough. And now Isis, She’s a pretty tough chick.

After seeing modern and historical depictions of her I thought of her as this queen, poised and elegant. When I dreamt of her She scared the crap out of me. She was real. She was down and dirty. She was assembling body parts and looking at me in a way that told me I had better watch and learn, that I needed to do this too.

Pulling all the pieces together, reassembling them animating them, breathing into them new life. In the same way She brought life to her husband. When I first dreamt of her, I thought I understood what she was saying. Now as I paint her, I am learning all over again.

A couple of weeks ago I woke to intense neck and shoulder pain. What I later believed to be a whole lot of “stuckness” in my life that manifested physically in order to better get my attention. It got my attention. Read the rest of this entry →

Apr27

Get a job

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Get a job

I’m thinking about all those who have supported me and my art. I am amazed sometimes.

I have new boards because a friend of mine wanted to see more goddesses. She sees their value and importance. It’s a wonderful feeling to know that it’s not just me!

When Erzulie was on display there were people who literally fell down in front of her and cried. She was real for them. Like She’s real for me. And that keeps me going.

I recently had a family member ask if I was ever going to “get a job”. I didn’t understand, because I have a job. More than that, I have a purpose.

I’m an artist. I don’t do this as a hobby. I do this because I have to. As any artist will tell you, if we don’t create, we die.

It isn’t about recognition. Lord knows it isn’t about the money! It’s about creation. And the ability to perceive things others cannot. This ability has helped me to survive.

My next Goddess will be Sedna. She is an Inuit Goddess who created the seals, the whales…She did not do this willingly. She was pushed into her fate. Literally, pushed off the boat!

What she chose in that moment was not to be a victim but rather to make life from what was certain death.

Sometimes we have to be pushed to our absolute limit before we find the strength to act. But when we do act, it becomes about choices..even when we think there are none.

It will be interesting to see what happens when the color hits the brush. Then her story starts, all over again, for me.