I didn’t sleep last night. A certain little one kept me awake. And if it wasn’t her, it was my thoughts. This morning, feeling hung over from lack of sleep and stressed from lack of funds, I decided I needed to do something creative. I need to petition Santa Muerte. She helps outcasts from society, the poor, the LGBT community, criminals. It is interesting to me to see so many goddesses that help the outsiders, those who cannot make problems go away or be fixed by throwing money at it. Often we are the ones who don’t have a voice and we don’t have a choice. What is left to us is MAGIC. I sometimes think of it as a last resort, I need to think of it as my first choice.
I decided I would re sketch my Sante Muerte. I see her differently now than in my first drawing. Then I will begin painting. She has been on my mind all morning. As I’m about to jump in the shower, my 2 year old daughter hands me a little slip of paper. One of the papers on which I had written out all the names of my goddesses that I’ll be painting. She hands it to me and asks “Does this say I love you?” I looked down and laughed. No, it said “Santa Muerte.”
I was in the shower when I heard her. Sante Muerte. And I thought, maybe she loves me. I hoped so. I told her I was tired. She said it wasn’t over yet. I started crying and said “but I’m so tired!” She said “You’re stronger than you know.” I said that I didn’t want to be strong any more. I want things to be better and in my head I envisioned a beautiful home, a victorian greenhouse, all the luxuries that money can buy. She just looked at me. I said, “I want that”. She asked, “Do you?” ..I answered with a question,”Will I have it?” ..I heard a voice answer yes, but it wasn’t hers. It was mine. Wishful thinking maybe. I asked again and she looked at me and said “It’s undecided”. I felt taken aback and asked, “Who decides”. She looked at me with no emotion, her eyes staring right into my soul and said:
The next Goddess I will be painting is Sante Muerte. I see her all the time now, standing there, watching me, waiting. This is afterall, Her season. The season of death, the season of ancestors. There is always something more to learn. There are little deaths, there are literal deaths. The world is always dying. She is also giving birth. How will my labor be? What is it that I’m birthing? What has yet to die before I can be reborn? It’s happening already before the brush has hit the canvas. She’s calling… It’s time to die.
It seemed I had some preconceived ideas about the Goddess Pele, you know, the hot headed wild child of the Hawaiian Islands? She can be portrayed as quick tempered, vain and sexual. (Not that that’s a bad thing…)
The last time I worked with her, only briefly, a few things that I needed to happen quickly did. So I was thinking of her, or her energy, as being one that can get things moving or happen quickly. And yes that’s true but…there is a much greater depth to it.
My painting of Her was progressing smoothly. I felt happy with it, excited about it. Then I stopped. Things came up. After a couple of days I realized that I had planned to be finished with her by then and instead I hadn’t painted at all. And I realized I hadn’t really stepped into her energy at all either. Instead of go, go, go, in the way I thought she was, she made me stop to understand more completely the idea behind the movement.
Pele doesn’t move randomly or impulsively. She moves instinctually. Her movements are about trust and the flow of the universe. And when you find yourself in that flow you cannot afford to stop and think, you cannot over analyze or you will crash and burn, miss opportunities. Pele is teaching me to trust my instincts and my intuition. She is teaching me to grasp life, but don’t hang on. It is more experiencial and a letting go. She teaches us not to question but to enjoy the ride.
Let go of your fear and ride the mountain. Feel the movement and make a hundred tiny adjustments for balance so that you don’t get creamed on the way down. You won’t have time to think about it you can only react to it. Adjust, move, balance, breath, flow… rinse and repeat. Read the rest of this entry
Beginning Pele. Things always move when she comes into my life. In the past, she’s brought money too! Ooh, crossing fingers! Here we go!
This is me working in my make-shift studio behind my bedroom door. Someday…no one will slam open my door and hit my elbow while I’m painting, because I will have a beautiful light filled studio space ALL MY OWN. Go me! :)
Its been waaay too long since I’ve worked on Sedna. I’ve been distracted by life and survival…If only I didn’t have to pay bills and eat…then I could just paint and paint and paint! The ironic thing is I know that by painting, I will eventually be able to pay bills and eat..eventually. In the meantime…
I cannot allow myself to get distracted. I need to survive yes, but I cannot doubt and I have to follow my passion, my mission.
I’m going to do a reading for myself and I’ll share it in just a bit. I pulled Copper Woman. I’m going to see what she has to say.
Then I shall paint. :)