Acceptance, Humility, Trust and other Painful Things

Acceptance, Humility, Trust and other Painful Things



Things seemed to be on the upswing, I had the ball, I was moving it down the court. No one could stop me and I was about to take the winning shot, when the coach benched me. For a long time now I’ve been in this game. I’ve been playing hard and lately maybe I’ve been a bit of a ball hog. I don’t know.  All I know is I’ve had and will continue to have a lot of time to think about it. I’m not getting back in the game anytime soon.

We’ve had our challenges over the past several years. We’ve worked hard to over come them. And in many ways we have. There have been a couple of last hurdles to work our way over. It would always seem though that we would get so far and then get stopped.  And at this point those hurdles are not ones we can jump over, we will need a catapult.

Some time ago, being fed up with all the struggles, after screaming and crying and kicking at the Universe, I committed to doing whatever it took to make a better life. I had always worked hard toward this but something in me was different, it was beyond my normal angry. I prayed and I yelled out and I said, “tell me what I need to do! I’ll do it! I don’t have a problem with whatever it is, just let me know! Because obviously what I’m doing isn’t working!!”  I’ve always been about doing. I’ve always been about hard work. I feel better if I can DO; anything, as long as I’m moving. Well, it turns out, it seems what I needed to do was get out of the way.

So I was taken out. A trip rollerskating with my son, turned into a trip by ambulance to the emergency room. Having snapped both bones and the tendon in my right ankle, I was sent home to await surgery. The first thing I thought when I heard the bones snap was “shit”.  I just got a couple of really good mural jobs which was what I was counting on to make the money we needed to enable us to move out of where we are living. Because as it turns out, we need to move by May 4th. Only a couple of weeks away. And I immediately knew that I wouldn’t be standing on ladders anytime soon.

So for the past couple of weeks I’ve been confined to bed with my leg elevated. I have crutches to get me to the bathroom and back. I need help with EVERYTHING.  Now I am wondering not only how the hell am I supposed to pack, but where the hell are we supposed to go? My one shot  I thought I had and was about to take, was deflected.  I’ve been mad, frustrated, depressed, and in pain. But then my daughter takes my hand and tells me I’m “the best Mom ever”.  My other children come by and help where they can, my husband is rallying and doing his best. I’ve had friends tell me of their struggles, much greater than mine, that let me know they get it. And they will do whatever they can to help. In other words, they don’t care that my house is messy, my hair is greasy, I can’t get up and help, I may burst into tears at any given moment or anything else.  They will be there for us and I can’t tell you how important that is to me.

I realize through all of this that I made a commitment to a better life, and when you pray for something, the Universe will conspire to give it to you. Just never in the way you imagine. Right now I feel like I’m in the last few weeks of my last trimester of pregnancy. The time where you absolutely feel like shit and even though you don’t know exactly when that baby is coming it has to come, it will be soon and you’re no longer scared of much it will hurt because you are so tired of how much you’re hurting now.

So many lessons learned, so many yet to come. It’s tough to keep walking forward when you can’t see where you’re going (and you’re using crutches) But I’m not walking alone, and maybe that’s my biggest lesson.

I’m birthing a new me. A new life. I have NO idea where exactly I’ll end up or when exactly it will happen but I do  know it’s gonna be awesome.


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